Would you rather, for couples

Nobody opens with the hard question. These are the ones you can ask with the plates still on the table, and they still tell you something.

• Would you rather I tell you what I admire about you, or tell other people while you're not in the room? And which would you actually believe?
• Would you rather have the thing you did be praised, or the effort it took be noticed? And which do you get more of?
• Would you rather be talked out of a bad idea, or backed while you find out for yourself? And which has actually helped you more?
• Would you rather I be proud of you out loud or proud of you quietly? And which of those did you grow up around?
• Would you rather get a long message saying thank you, or be thanked in front of everybody? And which would you rather give?
• Would you rather be hugged the second you walk in, or left alone for ten minutes first? And what does it depend on?
• Would you rather never have to cook again or never have to tidy again? And which of the two do you secretly quite like doing?
• Would you rather fall asleep the moment your head lands, or wake up feeling brilliant no matter how little you slept? And what's actually going on with your sleep at the moment?
• Would you rather have a Saturday with nothing planned at all, or a Saturday where somebody else has planned every hour? And what would you honestly do with the empty one?
• Would you rather have one extra hour every day or one extra day every month? And what would realistically happen to it?
• Would you rather always have exactly the right thing to say, or always know when somebody's lying to you? And which of the two would be harder to live with?
• Would you rather have a week with no phone or a week with no music? And which one would you cheat on first?
• Would you rather never have a bad night's sleep again, or be able to eat anything with no consequences? And what does your answer say about how you've been living lately?
• Would you rather teleport anywhere instantly but always alone, or fly slowly but take somebody with you? And which is more you than you'd like to admit?
• Would you rather go somewhere new every time or back to the same place every year? And what's the appeal of the one you didn't pick?
• Would you rather live entirely without spice or entirely without sugar? And what's the one meal you'd properly miss?
• Would you rather be able to pause time or rewind ten seconds? And what would you have used it for this week?

The middle rung. Still safe, but the answer is about who someone is rather than what they did, which is the whole difference.

• Would you rather I tell you the truth the moment I think it, or wait until I've worked out how to say it kindly? And which one have I been doing?
• Would you rather know everything I think about you or none of it? And what are you afraid would be in there?
• Would you rather I try to fix it when you're upset, or just sit there with you? And have I been getting that right?
• Would you rather I know your worst habit or your worst fear? And which of them would you rather I never brought up again?
• Would you rather I told you honestly when you're bad at something, or left you to enjoy it? And has there been a time you'd rather I'd said something?
• Would you rather have your messages read out loud or your search history read out loud? And which are you more relaxed about than people would expect?
• Would you rather be told straight away when you've disappointed somebody, or be left to work it out? And which of those do you do to other people?
• Would you rather be needed or be wanted? And which of those do you think you get from me?
• Would you rather be trusted with somebody's worst secret or with their biggest plan? And which have you been handed more often?
• Would you rather we had more time together or better time together? And which one is honestly the thing that's missing?
• Would you rather your friends were mad about me, or I was mad about your friends? And which would take more work?
• Would you rather have a place everybody turns up at, or one nobody can find? And which have you been quietly building?
• Would you rather be the one who holds it all together or the one who's allowed to come apart? And which do you get to be with me?
• Would you rather keep every memory of this last year, or trade the lot for a better year coming? And which way did you lean before you thought about it?
• Would you rather be admired by people who don't know you, or properly understood by three people who do? And which do you go looking for when you're low?

Ask these when there is time and nobody has to be anywhere.

• Would you rather be the one who's left or the one who goes first? And what is it about the other answer you can't sit with?
• Would you rather I told you the thing I've been holding back, or that you never found out there was one? And what makes that your answer?
• Would you rather be loved exactly as you are, or as the version of yourself you keep meaning to become? And which of those is easier to accept from me?
• Would you rather know exactly how long this lasts, or never think about it at all? And which of those are you doing right now?

The ones people skip. Skipping them is usually why the same thing keeps coming back.

• Would you rather be told the moment you've annoyed somebody, or have it absorbed and never mentioned? And which of those have you been doing to me?
• Would you rather have more money and less time, or more time and less money? And which way have you actually been choosing?
• Would you rather have one big argument a year or a small one every week? And which is closer to what we actually do?
• Would you rather be the one who says sorry first every time, or the one who never has to? And which have you been in this?
• Would you rather never feel jealous again, or never be the reason somebody else does? And which would change more about you?

Fewer of these on purpose. A conversation that is only about the future is a planning meeting.

• Would you rather have a year somewhere else entirely, or a year with nothing at all in the diary? And what would you do with the first week of either?
• Would you rather be given one completely free month next year or one free day every single week? And which one would you actually make use of?
• Would you rather do one kind of work for thirty years or change what you do every three? And what does your answer say about what you want out of work?
• Would you rather change fast and badly or slowly and properly? And which of the two have you actually done?
• Would you rather be twenty per cent better at what you do, or twenty per cent less bothered about it? And which would make next year better?
• Would you rather have work that matters and takes everything, or work that doesn't and leaves you alone? And which have you ended up with?
• Would you rather be remembered by a lot of people for a little while, or by a handful for good? And which one are you living like?