Intimate questions for couples

Nobody opens with the hard question. These are the ones you can ask with the plates still on the table, and they still tell you something.

• What do I do without thinking about it that you'd miss straight away?
• What do you catch yourself telling other people about me when I'm not in the room?
• What's a compliment you've been sitting on because you thought it would go to my head?
• What's the warmest you've felt with me lately, and what set it off?
• What do you admire in me that has nothing to do with how I treat you?
• What did I do this week that you liked more than you let on?
• What was the first thing you noticed about me that you've never admitted to noticing?
• What kind of attention from me do you notice most — and when did you last get it?
• What's the most obvious sign that I'm flirting with you, and how long did it take you to work it out?
• Which version of me is your favourite to look at — dressed up, half-asleep, or deep in some project — and what's going on in that one?
• What do I say that lands better than I realise?
• What do I do that makes you feel chosen?
• If you had to flirt with me from across a crowded room using one gesture, what's the gesture — and where did you pick it up?
• What's your move? The one you've used on me for years and assume I've never clocked.
• What would you put on a T-shirt to warn people what they're getting with me?
• Which song makes you think of me, and is that flattering or not?
• A whole evening with no phones and nowhere to be. What are we actually doing?

The middle rung. Still safe, but the answer is about who someone is rather than what they did, which is the whole difference.

• What have I misread about what you want? Take your time — I'd rather know than keep guessing.
• What's something you've enjoyed with me that you'd never have predicted about yourself?
• What's the difference for you between feeling loved and feeling wanted? Which one have you had more of lately?
• What do you wish I'd be more direct about?
• Which compliment from me do you never quite believe, even when I obviously mean it?
• What compliment about the way you are — not the way you look — would land hardest right now?
• When did you last feel proud to be seen with me — and what were you hoping people noticed?
• What do you find attractive in general that you suspect I've never worked out about you?
• What part of your personality only shows up with me, and where does it hide the rest of the time?
• When you picture us at our best, which year are you picturing, and what was in it?
• What does being close look like to you on a night when neither of us has any energy left?
• What did you believe closeness was supposed to look like before you'd ever had any?
• What does it take for you to feel safe enough with me to stop managing everything?
• What small thing do we do that you'd call ours, even though it would look like nothing to anyone else?
• What do you remember from the beginning of us that had nothing to do with anything we did?

Ask these when there is time and nobody has to be anywhere.

• What did being close to someone cost you before me, and how much of that came in with you?
• Is there a part of wanting someone that has always frightened you? Where did that start?
• What have you never let me see in you, and what do you think would happen if I did?
• What would you want me to understand about you that words have never quite managed?
• When have you felt furthest from me while we were in the same room, and what was going on?
• What do you keep back from me because some part of you thinks I'd think less of you?
• What do you think I'm afraid to want? And are you right?
• What's something about your own wanting that you've never fully made peace with?
• What did you learn about wanting things — anything, not only this — from the home you grew up in? Does any of that still show up between us?
• Have you ever gone along with something because it was easier than saying you weren't up for it? What would you rather I do next time you're on the edge of that?
• What do you think I want that I've never actually asked you for — and how close are you to right?
• How close do we feel to you at the moment — physically and every other way — and is that where you'd want it to be?

The ones people skip. Skipping them is usually why the same thing keeps coming back.

• What have you brushed off in front of me that stayed with you for days afterwards?
• What have I asked for that you've said yes to when you meant no?
• What do you think I misread about you most often?
• What do you go quiet about instead of telling me it bothered you?
• When we drift, who tends to notice first, and what does the other one miss?
• When I've hurt you, what actually mends it, and what have I been doing instead?
• What have you felt pulling us apart that you haven't wanted to say out loud?
• Is there something between us you've quietly stopped expecting to change?
• What's the longest you've stayed unhappy with me without saying so, and what stopped you?

Fewer of these on purpose. A conversation that is only about the future is a planning meeting.

• What would you like more of from me next month, starting small?
• What's one thing you'd like us to try before the year is out?
• Where would you like to take me, purely for how we'd be with each other there?
• How would you like us to be different in five years — not our life, but us?
• What do you want us to still be doing together when everything's much slower?
• What are you hoping grows between us that hasn't yet?
• What have you changed your mind about wanting since we met?